A Glimpse of Her

The question “Who am I?” could garner different responses depending on which phase of my life I am in at that time. There have been many phases, and the older I get, the harder it is to stay in touch with the versions from my distant past. There are many factors that might dictate my answer-such as:  what is going on in my life externally and as a result, where is my confidence level?

Am I feeling like a good mother?

Am I on track, career wise? 

Are my relationships where I want them to be?

Have I accomplished what I want?

All of these things frame the way I see myself at the time, and as we go through the ups and downs and twists and turns of life, my self image shifts right along with it.

There are many coaching exercises designed to help you find yourself or your purpose that guide you towards your younger self. They have you tap into them, in my case her, and recall her essence. 

Who am I/Who was I?

What was she like? 

What did she like to do? 

What was she passionate about? 

What brought her joy?

So why the trip backwards in time when coaching focuses mainly on forward movement?

Your young self was authentic. 

It was who you were before the world got to you, before ego set in. It was before you became self conscious of this or that physical trait and before you thought about what others might think. It was when you did what felt right just because.

I was always very physically active as a child. I remember playing outside and climbing trees all day long. I could swoop myself up into that avocado tree faster than my mom could yell “Kids, dinner’s ready!”  In school I remember organizing races with the fastest kids in my class, boys included, and winning many of them. 

Now in my late forties and premenopausal, I am making a concerted effort to get into the best shape possible as I hear that once menopause hits it will be much harder. Although the older body does fight back sometimes with joint cracks and aches, I have been happy with my progress and proud of my diligence.

You feel different when you are strong. You stand taller and prouder when you feel capable. I’m not sure if it is that or my trimmed down face from the seventeen pounds I have lost so far, but I looked in the mirror one morning after my workout recently and I saw her. It was the strangest sensation and it brought me to tears. I saw the school girl of my past. Clearly, right there, her reflection stared back at me in the mirror. It was like looking back in time. I saw the girl who raced across the schoolyard in a plaid blue and white uniform. I saw the confident girl who was friends with everybody in her class and excelled at everything she did. 

She was a leader.

She was a fierce competitor.

She was a friend to all.

She is me.

I am a leader.

I am a fierce competitor.

I am a friend to all.

I had missed her and had almost lost sight of her. But she appeared for me and reminded me of who I am, who I have always been. Even if, in moments, I lost sight of her. I promised her that I would never let so much time pass again without seeing her—that I would make space for her in my present life. 

It is like keeping the memory alive of a loved one who has passed. Only she still exists within me and it is a matter of reminding myself who I am.

She is my inspiration. When I am struggling with making the right choices to stay healthy, or to keep motivated, that is when I call on her. 

What would she do? 

She wouldn’t think. 

She would act. 

She would run the race. 

She would lead the class. 

She would put in the work. 

I will not let her down.

And in the moments of struggle and doubt, I will call on her.