The Essence Of You

I’ve lost myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t even know what I like. These are all common statements that I hear in sessions with my clients. It makes me think of Julia Roberts in the The Runaway Bride and her quest to find out how SHE likes her eggs, because for years she had just gone with whatever her partner at the time liked. For whatever reason, whether it's caregiving, survival mode, or just plain old life, it is all too easy to lose the most important connection we will ever have – the one to ourselves. 

We become whatever we need to be in the moment to get us by. We become soldiers, survivors, advocates and caregivers, providers, business people, and experts in the game. We create coping skills and defense mechanisms to protect our gooey centers, and in the process, we lose ourselves completely. I remember once walking around in Nordstrom Rack, looking around and thinking, “I don’t even know what my style is anymore!” Years of not having the money, not liking my body, and putting myself last meant that I didn’t even know how to dress myself anymore. 

So, who am I?

Who are we?

At our core, who are we?

What is our essence?

The quickest path to answering that is to ask yourself who you were, before things got sticky. When you were a fresh- faced child full of wonder and excitement, who were you? Describe yourself. What did you love doing? What were you like? How would other people describe your younger self? How would your parents, or siblings, or friends have described you? 

To describe yourself, use adjectives:

• Playful
• Fun
• Shy
• Kind
• Caring
• Confident
• Carefree
• Relaxed
• Anxious
• Scared

From that list, select the adjectives that you feel still apply in your life today, or that you want to reconnect with. Find a photo of yourself from that time period, and display it somewhere, along with the list of words that describe you. This can become a compass for you - how you want to show up in the world each day. This is the beginning of reconnecting with your essence, or who you truly are at your core. I did this exercise and found two pictures of myself, at ages four and five, sitting in the exact same pose. I came up with the phrase “relaxed confidence”, and it is a phrase that I say to myself regularly. It is how I like to walk through the world. 

Why is this important? SO MANY REASONS! Being your authentic self and living a life that is aligned with who you truly are is the key to living a happy and peaceful life. It means that you will be able to move through this chaotic world without being knocked off-kilter so easily, because you are centered and grounded in who you are. You will no longer need to rely on your coping skills, or the Pieces of You, to get you through tough situations. 

I think of those coping skills living on the outline of the body. Meaning, if we have built a wall to protect us, our protectors are standing on or outside of that wall, making sure nothing gets past it. That is the definition of survival mode. Another helpful visual is a conference table - My Essence, or Self with a capital “S” sits at the head of the table, and my parts (people pleaser, perfectionist, judge, critic, etc) all take their places at the table as well. As my essence gets stronger, the need for input from others lessens. They never completely disappear, they just become quieter. My essence leads with compassion, curiosity, calmness, courage, clarity, and creativity. 

My essence is not reactive or emotional. It is not angry or even hurt. It does not get bothered easily or take personal offense. If you picture the wall and its protectors on the exterior of your body, imagine the words of others entering your space and floating past that wall. Give them a minute to reach your Self which is located at your core. Always take a moment. There is wisdom in the pause. We are wise at our core. React from that place. Answer with that wisdom - as the caring and curious version of you.

The really cool thing about this is that it applies to everyone around us as well, and seeing people this way will help you lead with empathy. You will see others with their walls and protectors. You will know that those protectors are all a result of past traumas, negative thought cycles, fear, and self doubt. You will see that when they are reactive, angry, or say something hurtful, that they are leading with their parts and only trying to protect themselves. You will know that it is the product of hurt, or fear, and you will know to react differently. Their information has made it past your protectors, into your Sage who will help you see a different perspective. You will easily deescalate an otherwise stressful situation rather than escalate which is what would happen if your protectors got involved. 

Your essence is your true self - your true nature. Finding that oftentimes requires some peeling back of the layers which is why going back into childhood can be helpful. Of course, not everybody has a memory of themselves before life got sticky - some never had that privilege and were born into difficult situations. Even in those cases, you can connect with your young self. You can now become the friend and protector that they never had, even apologizing to them for what they experienced or had to endure and letting them know that you (your essence) can take over now, and can protect them. 

Seeing yourself as the young version of yourself immediately gives you empathy for yourself. Even if in the moment you are down on yourself, criticizing how you look, or telling yourself that you are not good enough, the moment you see the childhood version of yourself, you will feel differently. You would never tell them that they are ugly, or fat, or stupid. Remember that they are you. You are one in the same. This is a wonderful way to practice empathy for yourself, and once you build that empathy muscle for yourself, it becomes much easier to do with others. 

You can even use that hack on others. When somebody gets on your nerves, picture what they might have been like as a child. Picture them in the classroom, or on the playground. Ask yourself what they might have been through from then until now. You can almost watch their protectors taking their position at the wall. This will ensure that you lead with empathy instead of reacting with anger. 

The idea of getting acquainted with your true self brings me to the Soulprint conversation. Soulprint is the spiritual version of your fingerprint - meaning it leaves a unique impression or mark. Your fingerprint is unique, as are you. The mark that you leave on the world is as unique as the mark your finger leaves on the table. There is nobody else exactly like you. There is nobody else with your exact blend of talents, skills, passions, and experiences. There is nobody else with your essence. 

You cannot compare yourself to anybody, because it would be like comparing an apple to an orange. They are simply different. There is not one other person out there who can make your mark on the world. The world needs YOU for that. 

Becoming a warrior starts with knowing yourself - a look inward. Some call it an excavation because you may have to dig through the many layers that have been placed to protect you. We have met the pieces of us, and now we have met our essence. The next step will be to practice radical self love. 

Suggested Exercises:

1. Connect to your younger self:  Describe yourself as a child. Ask others to describe you. Find a picture of you from that time period and find a word or phrase that describes your essence in those photos. Hang the picture with the slogan somewhere where you can see it regularly.
2. Make a list of all of the roles that you have in life, both personally and professionally (job titles present and past, parent, child, sibling, etc.). For each role, list all of the skills and talents that you utilize for that particular role. After you are finished, consolidate into one master list of talents and skills.
3. Make a list of things that you are passionate about. Include things that you loved or loved to do as a child as well as things that you would like to explore but haven’t yet. If you feel stuck on this one, and feel as if you don’t have any passions currently, that is your homework. Keep a journal of your daily activities and your emotions. Notice when you are happiest, and what you are doing at those times. make an effort to experiment and try new things. Make a goal of doing one new thing each week or month. Try to include other people in your exploration.