The Story of My Practice - My Why

Sometimes identifying what is wrong is easier than finding what is right. I have spent the past fifteen to twenty years feeling that things weren’t right in terms of my career, but also not knowing how to fix it. That’s a long time to feel like what you are doing is out of alignment with who you are, and it does eventually take a toll.

I went through the motions. I even enjoyed what I was doing at times. After all, I had some pretty cool jobs (dance teacher, Realtor, event planner, etc.). But all the while I still had that feeling that something wasn’t right. I have had conversations with friends and family over the years about what my dreams were, but it felt like just that...a dream. I never managed to make it feel real. I never believed that it really would be. I lacked the confidence for that and I blamed myself for past decisions that got me where I was. I didn’t yet realize that I was doomed with that type of thinking. That what I was putting out there was what I would receive, that my future was being determined by my present mindset and it was all screwed up.

Scarcity was my world. I never had enough. I couldn’t pay bills. When I finally got a “real job” with benefits and paid time off I was working forty hours a week and some weekends and still not making ends meet. That is when things caught up with me emotionally. I was completely broken. I constantly felt like I was on the verge of tears and sometimes I would hang up the phone with a client and just let them flow. I had resigned to the fact that life equals suffering, and that true happiness wasn’t an option. At least not for me. 

The job itself wasn’t terrible, I enjoyed connecting with my clients and helping them with my expertise and guidance, but the poor management made it impossible to thrive in the company or enjoy the work at all. It turns out management was operating from a place of scarcity and fear too. What a toxic combination. 

I felt so stuck that it paralyzed me. I couldn’t understand why I was sacrificing time away from my family to work in this toxic environment that didn’t even pay my bills. What the hell was I doing and how did I get here? And why was I putting up with it for so long? I didn’t feel like I could just quit. After all, I had a family to take care of. So I started job hunting. I applied to so many jobs over so many months that I lost count. I finally started getting interviews and went pretty far through the process of being hired in a couple of other companies. But the truth is, that when I imagined myself working for those other companies, I didn’t feel comfortable. I knew that it wouldn’t be a fit. I knew that nothing would really change and I would find myself right back in the same place...stuck.

And then change came in the only way that it could. I got laid off. I knew that I needed the push and finally it came. It still hurt, because it wasn’t on my terms. It hurt because it was a shock and I had to walk through the emotions of losing my current situation so abruptly, but deep down I knew that it was a blessing.

Initially I thought I would go full force into the job search, which I did. But nothing was right. There I was again with that “not right” feeling. Would I ever get it right? Again the resignation crept back in, I could get through life like this. Maybe not everybody is meant to get it right.

But I am not everybody. And I am determined. I haven’t wasted all of this time dreaming just to let it go and settle for just getting by. I wasn’t ready to let go of the dream. So I took a step back and stopped working on the external (the job) and started working on me. 

I worked on my confidence. I became aware of my inner dialogue and what I had been telling myself all of these years. It turns out I had been a terrible friend to myself. 

I worked on shifting my perspective and forgiving myself for things in my past that had been weighing me down. I searched for a positive perspective on the same event and adopted that one instead. After all, I don’t have room for all of that baggage in my dream life. 

I went from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset. 

I practiced gratitude everyday.

I worked on showing up fully for myself and my children and I realized that I found joy in being there in that moment. I realized that the journey (the now) was more important than the destination (the future) and that I couldn’t live constantly dreaming of “what might be one day” because I will never be there...I will always be here.

I worked on my health.

I worked on mindfulness with daily meditations and affirmations.

As I walked further down this path of self care and development I got farther and farther away from my old pathway. A new pathway was opening up and I found that I could never go back to that old one.

Joy was back and sadness was gone. A weight had been lifted and I felt free. I felt free to be me and I finally knew who that was...a joyful, confident, influential leader who has a positive impact on the people around her.

Now I hold the lantern for those who are just behind me on that path.I will show them the way. I have answered the call to help people find that freedom. To help them from stuck to success.